Place this at her feet with maybe a small paddle to stir her brew and the mysterious potion is ready for action. Just don't let any of your kids fall in and become witch's food! HMD Card 1h Vintage Witch Close-up ...In the week leading up to it's release, Sci-Fi channel ran a Blair Witch documentary. The Blair Witch Project had become a cinematic event. In it's first week, it grossed $28.5 million. By the end of it's run, it had grossed nearly $250 ...Between Samhain, All Saints Day, All Souls Day and All Hallows we end up with a large conglomerate of a holiday that today embraces aspects of each and has become it's own monster, as it were. ;) There are Christians and Wiccans alike that do not ... Because this is a night when the veil is thin and communication with the spirit world is quite easy, it's a great time for getting and giving readings to see what the future holds. Doing readings with tarot cards or runes, ...Spells to become a witch are much sought after by beginners. It's easy to see why - witches use magik and so why wouldn't they call upon a spell to make it happen? But think about it, how does the spell work if you are not a witch in ...... will swallow whole any story an adult tells them but will become less skeptical as they mature. Instead, the older kids seemed more accepting. The Candy Witch fit into a network of other beliefs that the older kids had developed. ...News: SEGA Invites You to Join the Make-a-Witch Foundation and Become Bayonetta for Halloween - News, Reviews, Previews, Features, Blogs, Screens, Videos.A friend sent me this copy of an advert from the 1960s inviting people to "Become a Witch". For the price of just $3.99, The Academy of Mystic Arts would send you your first lesson in a correspondence course on Wicca. It promised: ...In “The Flying Sorceress“ (1956, voiced by June Foray), Tom leaves home to become a witch's companion. In “Blue Cat Blues“ (1956), Tom contemplates being hit by a train after his feline girlfriend leaves him for wealthy Butch the cat. ...In the present time getting some quality entertainment is not an easy task, but it is also not that much difficult. All you need is to select some good source for your entertainment, which can really provide you with something of your taste . What if you buy the theatre tickets for a ... The story of the buy wicked ticket play revolves around the two witches, who are intelligent enough to become fiery, but in most of the cases they are misunderstood and are persecuted. ...As the three film students hike into the forests in search of ominous sites related to the Blair Witch, they become lost. As starvation and disorientation set in, strange sounds and mysterious "pranks" terrorize the students at night, ...
I understand it, and want to become a witch. I don't want to do anything wrong, how can i, step by step, become a witch? I understand that it's very complicated. What would i need to do prepare for a spell, and what would be easiest? Would a 'find a love' spell be to selfish and hard as a first?
If you are against witchcraft, don't comment. I don't care about your judge-mental opinions.
Okay please only answer if you actually 'believe' in it...
Story- Follows main protagonists Berry Lewis, Daren Williams, Holly Appleby after graduating from the rank of Apprentice becoming a higher rank, Journeymen. It’s generally a long process to become a certified Mercer (merchant) and once they become one, they may start a business and become masters of their trade.
They leave their master, and traveling together for protection, they must buy and sell certain rare items, obtain a certain profit, and report back to their master with evidence once they completed their task to gain a new one, but he also has business himself sometimes and with clues they must navigate his location. They make companions and enemies along the way. They get vacations when they do a very satisfactory job.
However, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Hardship arises both on sea from pirates and overland from thieves, criminals, etc. And of course poor navigating at times, bad weather, lack of food, water, etc, war, being accused of being witch/wizards from superstitious towns people, dealing with consequences of making bad deals with leprechaun mafia, con artists, and even vengeful mermaids angered by pollution caused by humans. But sometimes the struggle can lead to a very rewarding outcome in the end…or not.
1) Does my story sound too childish? I’m 16, and don’t want it in that “Child Zone” or anything. This story was in fact to relate to college kids. Leaving home and trying to map out your future, taking a first step into adult world, meeting interesting people and being independent. Since the era is somewhat a spoof of medieval times, I thought that I’d incorporate some medieval folklore and superstitions like mermaids, leprechauns, etc. But not too much, I want a feel of reality also. So there’s no super human strength and crap like that.
2) Does my story sound interesting? Hopefully it doesn't sound like any cliché coming of age garbage. My primary characters are no super heroes, have no prophecies, and don’t always do what’s right, but with time they learn from their mistakes, but sometimes not completely.
3) The thing which troubles me most is romance. How am I to go about this? I don’t want any adult situations between my characters, so since this is like the medieval era, I was going to make it the norm of society to wait for marriage rather than most college people now days to avoid adult situations. Also they aren’t allowed to marry during Journeymen stage, but can date. What do you think of this?
Also I was planning on Berry and Holly to have budding relationship over time, though not sure of the other's feelings, aren't sure how to act at times, which creates tension. I want it to be really slow developing though because I’m planning a long series. In what ways can I go about this? Also does their description below sound compatible?
Berry Lewis- 17 year old. He’s also black; different from your usual main protagonist. He’s a laid back, open minded, amusing type of character and loyal to friends. Doesn't rely solely on strength to get things done, as he isn't the strongest hot shot around. But he is a great leader. Nickname is "Bear" And always wears a special mistletoe necklace around his neck.
Holly Schmit- 17. Naturally, she is independent, possessive, compassionate, courageous, feisty, strong-willed, and a great fighter to boot- with only the occasional mood swing. Good ability to see the good in others
I need to know how to become a witch in VERY EASY STEPS. I also need to know how to properly cast a spell, once again, in VERY EASY STEPS.
Can you create your own spells that work. If so, How and can I use an example of a self created spell?
Thanks
What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...
That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm
That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)
That you have no control over some of the goals you set...
That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).
That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
That miscarriage is so common.
That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!
That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.
That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),
That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.
That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
That infertility is more common than you think.
That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
That one day all of this will make us stronger.
That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
That my faith in God would be tested heavily.
That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.
That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.
That I am so glad my neice was born when she was, early in our ttc, because if she were born now I don't think I could deal with it.
That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.
That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.
That I'd ever be able to bond with my step-sister (also infertile).
That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least I know what's wrong.
That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)
That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.
That some people just say the wrong things.
That a simple blood test costs $648!
That sex would ever become a chore!
That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!
That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
That I would be so sad, and ashamed.
That I would learn to speak in code
Like I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN
That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.
That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.
That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future (she told me twins in 3 to 5 months!)
That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.
That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)
That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.
That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)
That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.
That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."
That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
It's good to know I am not alone.
That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.
That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.
That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.
That a friend would hid and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)
That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time
That your body has its own mind.
That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.
That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.
That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.
Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.
That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling
That you feel useless as a female
That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children
That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.
That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
this really isn't a question, but i thought it was important. i just found www.twoweekwait.com and i think it is very inspirational. i haven't been ttc for long but i know it is surely frustrating and a long drawn out process. i just thought that this would help us all TTC! Good Luck!!
This is a collection of thoughts from women facing the emotional rollercoaster of infertility. Some of it may make you cry, some of it may make you smile. The important thing is to realize that you are not alone in your struggle. Infertility may be the most difficult time of your life spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. If you are personally experiencing infertility (TTC longer than 12 months) and would like to be prayed for, please email me your prayer request. God bless you.
What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...
That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm
That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)
That you have no control over some of the goals you set...
That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).
That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
That miscarriage is so common.
That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!
That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.
That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),
That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.
That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
That infertility is more common than you think.
That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
That one day all of this will make us stronger.
That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
That my faith in God would be tested heavily.
That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.
That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.
That I am so glad my neice was born when she was, early in our ttc, because if she were born now I don't think I could deal with it.
That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.
That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.
That I'd ever be able to bond with my step-sister (also infertile).
That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least I know what's wrong.
That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)
That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.
That some people just say the wrong things.
That a simple blood test costs $648!
That sex would ever become a chore!
That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!
That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
That I would be so sad, and ashamed.
That I would learn to speak in code
Like I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN
That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.
That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.
That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future (she told me twins in 3 to 5 months!)
That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.
That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)
That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.
That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)
That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.
That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."
That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
It's good to know I am not alone.
That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.
That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.
That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.
That a friend would hid and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)
That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time
That your body has its own mind.
That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.
That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.
That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.
Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.
That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling
That you feel useless as a female
That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children
That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.
That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my Mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
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"I was married 3 times," explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my third wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame," said his friend. "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
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The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
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Ad seen in paper:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! You're not going to cut it off, are you???"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says, "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
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Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."
"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.
Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."
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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
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"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
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The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
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Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a dog; a mongrel pup develops into a cur.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.
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Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although he couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the laundry.
Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked. "Why don't you just move out?"
"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained, "she makes such a damn good neighbor."
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Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
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Rex's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
----------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet, "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
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Overheard: "Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you were married?"
"No, He's only lived up to one of them."
"Which one was that?"
"He said he wasn't good enough for me."
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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can hold down a full time job, prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and said, "I don't freaking think so!!"
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It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" He promptly slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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A couple comes upon a wishing well. The wife leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The husband decides to make a wish, too. But he leans over too much, falls into the well and drowns. Stunned, the wife smiles broadly and exclaims, "It really works!"
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
blah,blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
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A lady sought out a fortune teller. The fortune teller tells her, "Be prepared for widowhood. Your husband will soon die a violent death."
The lady asked, " Will I be acquitted?"
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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the state lottery!"
Martha replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man says, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon."
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"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
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While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."
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Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the street next to the green. One of the men takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. When the procession has passed, the other man says, "That was a nice gesture."
"Well," the first guy says, "After twenty years of marriage, it was the least I could do for her."
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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!"
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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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Two women were talking, when one said to the other: "Do you ever talk to your husband when you're making love?"
"Yeah," replied the second, "But only when he telephones!"
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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in a six o'clock in the morning!"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."
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I want to become a white witch...I've always been interested in it, and want to become it for good. My family is into it and have health issues I would like for us all to learn together. What is a simple way to teach me the basics step by step in easy to understand language. Please help!! Thanks
Please no dumb answers telling me it doesn't exist I would I don't tell you what to belive in please do the same, show some respect.
Also if anyone has any basic spells to try I'd like that thanks
Ancient Pagans
* As soon as Christianity was legal (315), more and more pagan temples were destroyed by Christian mob. Pagan priests were killed.
* Between 315 and 6th century thousands of pagan believers were slain.
* Examples of destroyed Temples: the Sanctuary of Aesculap in Aegaea, the Temple of Aphrodite in Golgatha, Aphaka in Lebanon, the Heliopolis.
* Christian priests such as Mark of Arethusa or Cyrill of Heliopolis were famous as "temple destroyer." [DA468]
* Pagan services became punishable by death in 356. [DA468]
* Christian Emperor Theodosius (408-450) even had children executed, because they had been playing with remains of pagan statues. [DA469]
According to Christian chroniclers he "followed meticulously all Christian teachings..."
* In 6th century pagans were declared void of all rights.
* In the early fourth century the philosopher Sopatros was executed on demand of Christian authorities. [DA466]
* The world famous female philosopher Hypatia of Alexandria was torn to pieces with glass fragments by a hysterical Christian mob led by a Christian minister named Peter, in a church, in 415.
[DO19-25]
Mission
* Emperor Karl (Charlemagne) in 782 had 4500 Saxons, unwilling to convert to Christianity, beheaded. [DO30]
* Peasants of Steding (Germany) unwilling to pay suffocating church taxes: between 5,000 and 11,000 men, women and children slain 5/27/1234 near Altenesch/Germany. [WW223]
* Battle of Belgrad 1456: 80,000 Turks slaughtered. [DO235]
* 15th century Poland: 1019 churches and 17987 villages plundered by Knights of the Order. Victims unknown. [DO30]
* 16th and 17th century Ireland. English troops "pacified and civilized" Ireland, where only Gaelic "wild Irish", "unreasonable beasts lived without any knowledge of God or good manners, in common of their goods, cattle, women, children and every other thing." One of the more successful soldiers, a certain Humphrey Gilbert, half-brother of Sir Walter Raleigh, ordered that "the heddes of all those (of what sort soever thei were) which were killed in the daie, should be cutte off from their bodies... and should bee laied on the ground by eche side of the waie", which effort to civilize the Irish indeed caused "greate terrour to the people when thei sawe the heddes of their dedde fathers, brothers, children, kinsfolke, and freinds on the grounde".
Tens of thousands of Gaelic Irish fell victim to the carnage. [SH99, 225]
Crusades (1095-1291)
* First Crusade: 1095 on command of pope Urban II. [WW11-41]
* Semlin/Hungary 6/24/96 thousands slain. Wieselburg/Hungary 6/12/96 thousands. [WW23]
* 9/9/96-9/26/96 Nikaia, Xerigordon (then turkish), thousands respectively. [WW25-27]
* Until Jan 1098 a total of 40 capital cities and 200 castles conquered (number of slain unknown) [WW30]
* after 6/3/98 Antiochia (then turkish) conquered, between 10,000 and 60,000 slain. 6/28/98 100,000 Turks (incl. women & children) killed. [WW32-35]
Here the Christians "did no other harm to the women found in [the enemy's] tents - save that they ran their lances through their bellies," according to Christian chronicler Fulcher of Chartres. [EC60]
* Marra (Maraat an-numan) 12/11/98 thousands killed. Because of the subsequent famine "the already stinking corpses of the enemies were eaten by the Christians" said chronicler Albert Aquensis. [WW36]
* Jerusalem conquered 7/15/1099 more than 60,000 victims (jewish, muslim, men, women, children). [WW37-40]
(In the words of one witness: "there [in front of Solomon's temple] was such a carnage that our people were wading ankle-deep in the blood of our foes", and after that "happily and crying for joy our people marched to our Saviour's tomb, to honour it and to pay off our debt of gratitude")
* The Archbishop of Tyre, eye-witness, wrote: "It was impossible to look upon the vast numbers of the slain without horror; everywhere lay fragments of human bodies, and the very ground was covered with the blood of the slain. It was not alone the spectacle of headless bodies and mutilated limbs strewn in all directions that roused the horror of all who looked upon them. Still more dreadful was it to gaze upon the victors themselves, dripping with blood from head to foot, an ominous sight which brought terror to all who met them. It is reported that within the Temple enclosure alone about ten thousand infidels perished." [TG79]
* Christian chronicler Eckehard of Aura noted that "even the following summer in all of palestine the air was polluted by the stench of decomposition". One million victims of the first crusade alone. [WW41]
* Battle of Askalon, 8/12/1099. 200,000 heathens slaughtered "in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ". [WW45]
* Fourth crusade: 4/12/1204 Constantinople sacked, number of victims unknown, numerous thousands, many of them Christian. [WW141-148]
* Rest of Crusades in less detail: until the fall of Akkon 1291 probably 20 million victims (in the Holy land and Arab/Turkish areas alone). [WW224]
Note: All figures according to contemporary (Christian) chroniclers.
Heretics
* Already in 385 C.E. the first Christians, the Spanish Priscillianus and six followers, were beheaded for heresy in Trier/Germany [DO26]
* Manichaean heresy: a crypto-Christian sect decent enough to practice birth control (and thus not as irresponsible as faithful Catholics) was exterminated in huge campaigns all over the Roman empire between 372 C.E. and 444 C.E. Numerous thousands of victims. [NC]
* Albigensians: the first Crusade intended to slay other Christians. [DO29]
The Albigensians (cathars = Christians allegedly that have all rarely sucked) viewed themselves as good Christians, but would not accept roman Catholic rule, and taxes, and prohibition of birth control. [NC]
Begin of violence: on command of pope Innocent III (greatest single pre-nazi mass murderer) in 1209. Bezirs (today France) 7/22/1209 destroyed, all the inhabitants were slaughtered. Victims (including Catholics refusing to turn over their heretic neighbours and friends) 20,000-70,000. [WW179-181]
* Carcassonne 8/15/1209, thousands slain. Other cities followed. [WW181]
* subsequent 20 years of war until nearly all Cathars (probably half the population of the Languedoc, today southern France) were exterminated. [WW183]
* After the war ended (1229) the Inquisition was founded 1232 to search and destroy surviving/hiding heretics. Last Cathars burned at the stake 1324. [WW183]
* Estimated one million victims (cathar heresy alone), [WW183]
* Other heresies: Waldensians, Paulikians, Runcarians, Josephites, and many others. Most of these sects exterminated, (I believe some Waldensians live today, yet they had to endure 600 years of persecution) I estimate at least hundred thousand victims (including the Spanish inquisition but excluding victims in the New World).
* Spanish Inquisitor Torquemada alone allegedly responsible for 10,220 burnings. [DO28]
* John Huss, a critic of papal infallibility and indulgences, was burned at the stake in 1415. [LI475-522]
* University professor B.Hubmaier burned at the stake 1538 in Vienna. [DO59]
* Giordano Bruno, Dominican monk, after having been incarcerated for seven years, was burned at the stake for heresy on the Campo dei Fiori (Rome) on 2/17/1600.
Witches
* from the beginning of Christianity to 1484 probably more than several thousand.
* in the era of witch hunting (1484-1750) according to modern scholars several hundred thousand (about 80% female) burned at the stake or hanged. [WV]
* incomplete list of documented cases:
The Burning of Witches - A Chronicle of the Burning Times
Religious Wars
* 15th century: Crusades against Hussites, thousands slain. [DO30]
* 1538 pope Paul III declared Crusade against apostate England and all English as slaves of Church (fortunately had not power to go into action). [DO31]
* 1568 Spanish Inquisition Tribunal ordered extermination of 3 million rebels in (then Spanish) Netherlands. Thousands were actually slain. [DO31]
* 1572 In France about 20,000 Huguenots were killed on command of pope Pius V. Until 17th century 200,000 flee. [DO31]
* 17th century: Catholics slay Gaspard de Coligny, a Protestant leader. After murdering him, the Catholic mob mutilated his body, "cutting off his head, his hands, and his genitals... and then dumped him into the river [...but] then, deciding that it was not worthy of being food for the fish, they hauled it out again [... and] dragged what was left ... to the gallows of Montfaulcon, 'to be meat and carrion for maggots and crows'." [SH191]
* 17th century: Catholics sack the city of Magdeburg/Germany: roughly 30,000 Protestants were slain. "In a single church fifty women were found beheaded," reported poet Friedrich Schiller, "and infants still sucking the breasts of their lifeless mothers." [SH191]
* 17th century 30 years' war (Catholic vs. Protestant): at least 40% of population decimated, mostly in Germany. [DO31-32]
Jews
* Already in the 4th and 5th centuries synagogues were burned by Christians. Number of Jews slain unknown.
* In the middle of the fourth century the first synagogue was destroyed on command of bishop Innocentius of Dertona in Northern Italy. The first synagogue known to have been burned down was near the river Euphrat, on command of the bishop of Kallinikon in the year 388. [DA450]
* 17. Council of Toledo 694: Jews were enslaved, their property confiscated, and their children forcibly baptized. [DA454]
* The Bishop of Limoges (France) in 1010 had the cities' Jews, who would not convert to Christianity, expelled or killed. [DA453]
* First Crusade: Thousands of Jews slaughtered 1096, maybe 12.000 total. Places: Worms 5/18/1096, Mainz 5/27/1096 (1100 persons), Cologne, Neuss, Altenahr, Wevelinghoven, Xanten, Moers, Dortmund, Kerpen, Trier, Metz, Regensburg, Prag and others (All locations Germany except Metz/France, Prag/Czech) [EJ]
* Second Crusade: 1147. Several hundred Jews were slain in Ham, Sully, Carentan, and Rameru (all locations in France). [WW57]
* Third Crusade: English Jewish communities sacked 1189/90. [DO40]
* Fulda/Germany 1235: 34 Jewish men and women slain. [DO41]
* 1257, 1267: Jewish communities of London, Canterbury, Northampton, Lincoln, Cambridge, and others exterminated. [DO41]
* 1290 in Bohemian (Poland) allegedly 10,000 Jews killed. [DO41]
* 1337 Starting in Deggendorf/Germany a Jew-killing craze reaches 51 towns in Bavaria, Austria, Poland. [DO41]
* 1348 All Jews of Basel/Switzerland and Strasbourg/France (two thousand) burned. [DO41]
* 1349 In more than 350 towns in Germany all Jews murdered, mostly burned alive (in this one year more Jews were killed than Christians in 200 years of ancient Roman persecution of Christians). [DO42]
* 1389 In Prag 3,000 Jews were slaughtered. [DO42]
* 1391 Seville's Jews killed (Archbishop Martinez leading). 4,000 were slain, 25,000 sold as slaves. [DA454] Their identification was made easy by the brightly colored "badges of shame" that all jews above the age of ten had been forced to wear.
* 1492: In the year Columbus set sail to conquer a New World, more than 150,000 Jews were expelled from Spain, many died on their way: 6/30/1492. [MM470-476]
* 1648 Chmielnitzki massacres: In Poland about 200,000 Jews were slain. [DO43]
(I feel sick ...) this goes on and on, century after century, right into the kilns of Auschwitz.
Native Peoples
* Beginning with Columbus (a former slave trader and would-be Holy Crusader) the conquest of the New World began, as usual understood as a means to propagate Christianity.
* Within hours of landfall on the first inhabited island he encountered in the Caribbean, Columbus seized and carried off six native people who, he said, "ought to be good servants ... [and] would easily be made Christians, because it seemed to me that they belonged to no religion." [SH200]
While Columbus described the Indians as "idolators" and "slaves, as many as [the Crown] shall order," his pal Michele de Cuneo, Italian nobleman, referred to the natives as "beasts" because "they eat when they are hungry," and made love "openly whenever they feel like it." [SH204-205]
* On every island he set foot on, Columbus planted a cross, "making the declarations that are required" - the requerimiento - to claim the ownership for his Catholic patrons in Spain. And "nobody objected." If the Indians refused or delayed their acceptance (or understanding), the requerimiento continued:
I certify to you that, with the help of God, we shall powerfully enter in your country and shall make war against you ... and shall subject you to the yoke and obedience of the Church ... and shall do you all mischief that we can, as to vassals who do not obey and refuse to receive their lord and resist and contradict him." [SH66]
* Likewise in the words of John Winthrop, first governor of Massachusetts Bay Colony: "justifieinge the undertakeres of the intended Plantation in New England ... to carry the Gospell into those parts of the world, ... and to raise a Bulworke against the kingdome of the Ante-Christ." [SH235]
* In average two thirds of the native population were killed by colonist-imported smallpox before violence began. This was a great sign of "the marvelous goodness and providence of God" to the Christians of course, e.g. the Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony wrote in 1634, as "for the natives, they are near all dead of the smallpox, so as the Lord hath cleared our title to what we possess." [SH109,238]
* On Hispaniola alone, on Columbus visits, the native population (Arawak), a rather harmless and happy people living on an island of abundant natural resources, a literal paradise, soon mourned 50,000 dead. [SH204]
* The surviving Indians fell victim to rape, murder, enslavement and spanish raids.
* As one of the culprits wrote: "So many Indians died that they could not be counted, all through the land the Indians lay dead everywhere. The stench was very great and pestiferous." [SH69]
* The indian chief Hatuey fled with his people but was captured and burned alive. As "they were tying him to the stake a Franciscan friar urged him to take Jesus to his heart so that his soul might go to heaven, rather than descend into hell. Hatuey replied that if heaven was where the Christians went, he would rather go to hell." [SH70]
* What happened to his people was described by an eyewitness:
"The Spaniards found pleasure in inventing all kinds of odd cruelties ... They built a long gibbet, long enough for the toes to touch the ground to prevent strangling, and hanged thirteen [natives] at a time in honor of Christ Our Saviour and the twelve Apostles... then, straw was wrapped around their torn bodies and they were burned alive." [SH72]
Or, on another occasion:
"The Spaniards cut off the arm of one, the leg or hip of another, and from some their heads at one stroke, like butchers cutting up beef and mutton for market. Six hundred, including the cacique, were thus slain like brute beasts...Vasco [de Balboa] ordered forty of them to be torn to pieces by dogs." [SH83]
* The "island's population of about eight million people at the time of Columbus's arrival in 1492 already had declined by a third to a half before the year 1496 was out." Eventually all the island's natives were exterminated, so the Spaniards were "forced" to import slaves from other caribbean islands, who soon suffered the same fate. Thus "the Caribbean's millions of native people [were] thereby effectively liquidated in barely a quarter of a century". [SH72-73] "In less than the normal lifetime of a single human being, an entire culture of millions of people, thousands of years resident in their homeland, had been exterminated." [SH75]
* "And then the Spanish turned their attention to the mainland of Mexico and Central America. The slaughter had barely begun. The exquisite city of Tenochtitln [Mexico city] was next." [SH75]
* Cortez, Pizarro, De Soto and hundreds of other spanish conquistadors likewise sacked southern and mesoamerican civilizations in the name of Christ (De Soto also sacked Florida).
* "When the 16th century ended, some 200,000 Spaniards had moved to the Americas. By that time probably more than 60,000,000 natives were dead." [SH95]
Of course no different were the founders of what today is the US of Amerikkka.
* Although none of the settlers would have survived winter without native help, they soon set out to expel and exterminate the Indians. Warfare among (north American) Indians was rather harmless, in comparison to European standards, and was meant to avenge insults rather than conquer land. In the words of some of the pilgrim fathers: "Their Warres are farre less bloudy...", so that there usually was "no great slawter of nether side". Indeed, "they might fight seven yeares and not kill seven men." What is more, the Indians usually spared women and children. [SH111]
* In the spring of 1612 some English colonists found life among the (generally friendly and generous) natives attractive enough to leave Jamestown - "being idell ... did runne away unto the Indyans," - to live among them (that probably solved a sex problem).
"Governor Thomas Dale had them hunted down and executed: 'Some he apointed (sic) to be hanged Some burned Some to be broken upon wheles, others to be staked and some shott to deathe'." [SH105] Of course these elegant measures were restricted for fellow englishmen: "This was the treatment for those who wished to act like Indians. For those who had no choice in the matter, because they were the native people of Virginia" methods were different: "when an Indian was accused by an Englishman of stealing a cup and failing to return it, the English response was to attack the natives in force, burning the entire community" down. [SH105]
* On the territory that is now Massachusetts the founding fathers of the colonies were committing genocide, in what has become known as the "Peqout War". The killers were New England Puritan Christians, refugees from persecution in their own home country England.
* When however, a dead colonist was found, apparently killed by Narragansett Indians, the Puritan colonists wanted revenge. Despite the Indian chief's pledge they attacked.
Somehow they seem to have lost the idea of what they were after, because when they were greeted by Pequot Indians (long-time foes of the Narragansetts) the troops nevertheless made war on the Pequots and burned their villages.
The puritan commander-in-charge John Mason after one massacre wrote: "And indeed such a dreadful Terror did the Almighty let fall upon their Spirits, that they would fly from us and run into the very Flames, where many of them perished ... God was above them, who laughed his Enemies and the Enemies of his People to Scorn, making them as a fiery Oven ... Thus did the Lord judge among the Heathen, filling the Place with dead Bodies": men, women, children. [SH113-114]
* So "the Lord was pleased to smite our Enemies in the hinder Parts, and to give us their land for an inheritance". [SH111].
* Because of his readers' assumed knowledge of Deuteronomy, there was no need for Mason to quote the words that immediately follow:
"Thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. But thou shalt utterly destroy them..." (Deut 20)
* Mason's comrade Underhill recalled how "great and doleful was the bloody sight to the view of the young soldiers" yet reassured his readers that "sometimes the Scripture declareth women and children must perish with their parents". [SH114]
* Other Indians were killed in successful plots of poisoning. The colonists even had dogs especially trained to kill Indians and to devour children from their mothers breasts, in the colonists' own words: "blood Hounds to draw after them, and Mastives to seaze them." (This was inspired by spanish methods of the time)
In this way they continued until the extermination of the Pequots was near. [SH107-119]
* The surviving handful of Indians "were parceled out to live in servitude. John Endicott and his pastor wrote to the governor asking for 'a share' of the captives, specifically 'a young woman or girle and a boy if you thinke good'." [SH115]
* Other tribes were to follow the same path.
* Comment the Christian exterminators: "God's Will, which will at last give us cause to say: How Great is His Goodness! and How Great is his Beauty!"
"Thus doth the Lord Jesus make them to bow before him, and to lick the Dust!" [TA]
* Like today, lying was OK to Christians then. "Peace treaties were signed with every intention to violate them: when the Indians 'grow secure uppon (sic) the treatie', advised the Council of State in Virginia, 'we shall have the better Advantage both to surprise them, & cutt downe theire Corne'." [SH106]
* In 1624 sixty heavily armed Englishmen cut down 800 defenseless Indian men, women and children. [SH107]
* In a single massacre in "King Philip's War" of 1675 and 1676 some "600 Indians were destroyed. A delighted Cotton Mather, revered pastor of the Second Church in Boston, later referred to the slaughter as a 'barbeque'." [SH115]
* To summarize: Before the arrival of the English, the western Abenaki people in New Hampshire and Vermont had numbered 12,000. Less than half a century later about 250 remained alive - a destruction rate of 98%. The Pocumtuck people had numbered more than 18,000, fifty years later they were down to 920 - 95% destroyed. The Quiripi-Unquachog people had numbered about 30,000, fifty years later they were down to 1500 - 95% destroyed. The Massachusetts people had numbered at least 44,000, fifty years later barely 6000 were alive - 81% destroyed. [SH118] These are only a few examples of the multitude of tribes living before Christian colonists set their foot on the New World. All this was before the smallpox epidemics of 1677 and 1678 had occurred. And the carnage was not over then.
* All the above was only the beginning of the European colonization, it was before the frontier age actually had begun.
* A total of maybe more than 150 million Indians (of both Americas) were destroyed in the period of 1500 to 1900, as an average two thirds by smallpox and other epidemics, that leaves some 50 million killed directly by violence, bad treatment and slavery.
* In many countries, such as Brazil, and Guatemala, this continues even today.
More Glorious events in US history
* Reverend Solomon Stoddard, one of New England's most esteemed religious leaders, in "1703 formally proposed to the Massachusetts Governor that the colonists be given the financial wherewithal to purchase and train large packs of dogs 'to hunt Indians as they do bears'." [SH241]
* Massacre of Sand Creek, Colorado 11/29/1864. Colonel John Chivington, a former Methodist minister and still elder in the church ("I long to be wading in gore") had a Cheyenne village of about 600, mostly women and children, gunned down despite the chiefs' waving with a white flag: 400-500 killed.
From an eye-witness account: "There were some thirty or forty squaws collected in a hole for protection; they sent out a little girl about six years old with a white flag on a stick; she had not proceeded but a few steps when she was shot and killed. All the squaws in that hole were afterwards killed ..." [SH131]
More gory details.
* By the 1860s, "in Hawai'i the Reverend Rufus Anderson surveyed the carnage that by then had reduced those islands' native population by 90 percent or more, and he declined to see it as tragedy; the expected total die-off of the Hawaiian population was only natural, this missionary said, somewhat equivalent to 'the amputation of diseased members of the body'." [SH244]
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